life in a nutshell?

wow. it's amazing to think that so much has changed since that last entry in may. i've learned so much as a sister, a daughter, a student, and an individual. i've learned what is trivial and what to live with or without. most importantly, i've learned more about myself and in doing so have matured.

i cannot fathom being that young, naive girl again. it wasn't even the naivety of myself that stuns me. it's who i thought i was. who i thought i wanted to be. i've realized now who i am. who i've wanted to become. before i was thinking only of what others expected of me, and, therefore, what i expected of myself. i've realized that although i'll be heartbroken if i don't get into amherst, it's not going to be the end of the world. i can and will survive. hopefully the pressure of succeeding will diminish, although i recognize deep down it will not. i've seen my fears and now have come to terms with what i want. what is the kara who will be happy? who is the kara i hope to become? one who is not alone. i want to blossom into an incredibly remarkable, intellectual human being who people look at and think wow, this person really has a purpose. i don't want to be alone. that thought scares me the most. all i want is to grow old with someone. have a family. i don't want money, it doesn't bring happiness. i don't care the lies people feed me. i know i only need someone who loves me for who i am and i will be happy. the shear thought of aging scares me. i want to be in my youth forever. not youth as in my age now, but youth as in thirty. in the prime of my life. i want to be clear thinking, i want to be able to do as i please. the thought of losing all of that scares me.

however, life now is becoming increasingly thrilling. this summer taught me a lot. i learned who real friends were, i learned the hardships of betrayal, i learned how it feels to be truly reckless and carefree, and, most importantly, i learned more about me than i ever dreamed existed. did you know that movies such as wicker park make me feel these sparks of undying energy that run through my very being and shake everything i know as true? did you know that music is what drives my being? most likely that one you did know. but to add on to that, did you know that my every mood is affected by my music? god i wish i was more musical. or not even that. that i could be unafraid to show people the talent god has given me. like last night for instance, i wanted to sing the words at the top of my lungs. i was so afraid to though that they came out in a form barely more audible than a whisper. did you know that i despise hanging out with most people that are still in high school? i love my friends, but there is a limit to my intellectual development they cannot push past. well, majority of them. there are exceptions such as valarie and catherine which make me a deeper, enlightened person. but besides those friendships, those people which have become my sisters, every other friendship probably will not stick with me throughout college and after. however, that is very untrue with my boys. the loves of my life. they are my brothers and i would be lost without them. i know that it alarms my mother that they are twenty, but she understands the bond with them isn't a "horny group of adolescents" one. she knows they are truthfully people that without them i would most likely fall for anything. jay, travis, derek, robert, and watson have become a family which is one i am blessed to have found. i know that they will protect me hands down in whatever may happen and be there for me throughout anything. they have and deserve my utmost respect and i don't know how i will survive without them next year. my boys are my heroes.

and now i ask you, is this truly everything? is this the life of kara michele lewis, the seventeen year old who is striving to find even more of herself than she knows exists? i think that it's not. i am bracing myself for whatever i will reveal next. hopefully i will see the beauty. so how can one use the phrase "in a nutshell"? everything is so much more complex than we ever fathomed.