oh november.

the month. how has it been? long. chaotic. busy. it just shows the fact that i cannot stay committed to keeping anything due to my extremely sporadic attention span. actually, i like the way reed defined me last night. i believe he has given me the title of the "little spastic one". this month has mirrored that concept amazingly. i am in fact everywhere at once, thinking about random, unnecessary things. it has been an incredibly exhilarating experience unearthing even more of me this month for the world to see. to begin, allow me to display the senior pictures which i finally received this month. although i took them in august. you have to love the speed of studios. allow me to explain them and how they relate to me everyday and my spasticness.

the first attests to my passions. you're probably asking yourself how eating sushi represents a passion, so allow me to enlighten you. i have many passions, many quirks that make me a whole. one of them is eating sushi. i eat it more than the average person. a lot more. when is the last time i ate sushi? i ate it for lunch today. and dinner last night. need i say more? but this is not an expression of my eating habits. it is one of the pieces of kara. one of the random, insane things i am enthralled by. allow me to elaborate. music is no longer a passion but an obsession. i listen to music you've never heard of and probably never will. i listen to music people listen to everyday on the radio. i listen to music that moves me. it can be physical stimulation like those songs which make me want to dance until i can no longer stand, or it can be an emotional pull. all of my music has some emotional pull which causes me to think about what i've learned and allows me to reconnect with my inner self and grow as a person. for instance, i was listening to my new found obsession, amos lee, and i remembered something mr. veater told me sophomore year in drawing. we were talking about how it is important not to dwell on what has happened and to live for the present, for the moment. and then he said one of the most profound things i have ever been privileged to hear. he said, "isn't it funny how we say we need to live in the present when we're never in the present?" of course i was taken aback and confused. he went on to elaborate in saying, "we are always in the past. whatever we think is happening now has already happened, so we are living in the past. we are in the past because due to the speed of sound what we are hearing being said, has already been said, and what we are seeing is delayed due to the speed of light so it has already happened. therefore, we are never truly in the present." i had forgotten about this conversation for so long that i was amazed to find that i remembered all of it. remembering this is one of those strange little snaps back to reality that is due every so often. it is interjections like that which keep us grounded and level headed. however, life is about living for the rush, for the feeling of being invincible. i was privileged enough to go to planetfest 8 with ten of my best friends. planetfest was an all day concert featuring bands such as breaking benjamin, seether, drowning pool, finger eleven, and trapt. i had been to a concert with jay, robert, travis, and watson before, but the bigger group made the experience even more memorable. i will always remember them as the kids we crammed into a seven-seater van to find a convenience store in downtown jacksonville because meechie and meagan wanted cigarettes and everyone else needed to use the restroom when we were already in line for the concert. i'll remember handing rachel and anne my shoes and cell phone, yelling "i'm going up" to meechie and robert, getting tossed into the hands of twenty thousand people, hearing jay and watson yell, "hey it's kara", and experiencing the first crowd surf of my life. i'll remember munchkin getting his shoe stolen during a crowd surf, jay's concussion, and having to come to the rescue of robert and meechie at exit seven because robert's car died. these people have allowed me to be me and have given me some of the most respect i have ever received in my life this far. they are my big brothers, and i would be lost without them as a constant support in my life. for instance, travis called me yesterday when i was at work and left me a voicemail saying, "you didn't come to see wednesday at work, thursday was thanksgiving, and yesterday you didn't text me back. i haven't seen you for three days baby girl and i just want to make sure you're okay. call me when you get this." they are the boys i know will be there for me at the drop of a hat just because i miss them and want to hang out, or i've been hurt and just want to cry and have someone hold me. they have become part of my life and next year at college i will be lost without having them there to make me laugh or pick on me. i know that they'll never be far from me though. distnace wise they may be, but they'll never be too far to talk to me about ufc fight night and chuck lidell like jay and travis do or to shove candy in my pocket so no one else will steal it like meechie does.

moving on. before i elaborate though let me touch on that phrase. moving on? what exactly does it mean? i thought i knew what it meant, but it has managed to prove me wrong. ironically, i find myself falling right back into where i just got up from. so what is moving on? a transition or a facade? in my case it's a facade. in the case of this sporadic expression of my thoughts, it's a segue into my next rant.

there really is not much to say about the next picture except for the face. the smile. it's been real lately. not that it wasn't real before. but it's been pure and unadulterated lately. i applied to the school i've wanted to attend forever and i'll find out in two weeks if i'm good enough for them. i've been hanging out with old friends, people i never really got to know, and people who never really exited my life. i attribute most of this joy however to this little boy, the innocent child who i want to watch grow up into a fine young man, and hopefully i will have the ability to do so starting in seven months.

i don't even know where or how to begin talking about emile. "that home" by the cinematic orchestra is one that describes how my nephew has impacted my life. although i love nadia and eaden more than i will ever comprehend, emile brings me to a tranquility and peace. talking to him makes me feel as if i'm cleansing myself of everything that i have done and said throughout the day and giving me the opportunity to start over again. even when he was younger, he showed so many of the same characteristics and personality traits that my father had. and he allowed me to feel reconnected with my father once again. it is a shame that he was born four months too late to meet the amazing man who he bares so much resemblance to in my eyes. although the resemblance is not a physical one, he still shows my father's crude sense of humor and love for fooling people. i love talking to him on the phone and hearing him talk about scarecrows, eaden being mean, green paint, and laughing at claudia. he is barely over two and has this wisdom about him which draws people closer to him. one of my favorite memories was last april when i was outside with eaden, emile, and nadia. nadia and eaden were doing their nightly chores, so i was playing with emile. of course, true to new england's spastic weather, it had snowed the night before so there was a layer of snow on the ground. emile would stumble his way up the hill, and roll down for me to catch him. he loved it when i'd pretend he'd knock me over and would fall backwards, so i did it almost everytime just so i could see him smile and hear his laugh. i remember eric coming over and sitting with me on the hill and talking to me while emile just sat on my lap playing with leaves. everything was happy and perfect and i hadn't messed up everything due to my attraction to someone other than eric. other than the boy who told me he loved me. however i don't regret any of it at all. the other attraction opened my eyes to other things in the world that i know i would have overlooked such as the amusement from talking about card games, the brilliance of ayn rand, playing in the walmart toy department and noticing how at least one part of every piece of merchandise is missing, and so many other things. however, it was that day in april that talking to emile on the phone allows me to reconnect with. this small child truly has the power to brighten the lives of those he meets and will always bear the trait.

the last picture applies to majority of my break. the beach. oh how i forgot the joy the beach brings at night. it had been forever since i had last been there and just laid down. every other time i was running for some stupid thing or another. it all started last monday night however. i went to dinner with ali, ian, and andrew. i hadn't seen ian since last march and we had never really hung out, but i saw andrew at football games yet was still oblivious to the fact he took the semester off before he left for college. needless to say, we ended up eating, ian, ali, and i went to the playground while andrew picked up his friend from out of town, we played a crazy game of frisbee at ten when it was pitch black, and then finally made it to the beach. some how, i was one of two smart people who brought a jacket to that night, so we all ended up huddled together in the sand. we saw a combined number of five shooting stars over the hour we were out there, and we became inspired to go out there again one night and camp. ali and i then decided to go to school for first and second period tuesday and then skip the rest of the day because it wasn't worth going to and i had already skipped my zero period. ali, ian, lane, and i ended up watching dogma and comedy central stand-up tuesday night, but nothing compared to wednesday. ali, ian, lane, lauren, matt, and i went to the beach from about nine to two a.m. we invented ridiculous but surprisingly fun games with our sleeping bags, and at about eleven-thirty matt, lane, and lauren left. ian, ali, and i finally got to lay in our own sleeping bags and just relax. andrew and natalie stopped by for a minute, but i fell asleep so i don't remember them leaving. in the end, we all ended up passing out in the midst of our very interesting conversation and our hysterical laughter over ian's sleeping bag. it's nights like those that i cherish though. the nights that we do nothing but just lay there and admire everything beautiful we have been given. i know no other way to end this but to leave you with these questions? do you know what beauty is? true beaty? do you know what peace is? or is it just what you think peace has been stereotyped to signify? have you missed the beauty and the peace? have you missed the golden star changing your life? i believe i overlooked mine until now.

oh the joy of weekends.

this weekend truly has been one of ups and downs. some inspirational ups, and some downs that weren't so pleasent but were a snap back to reality.



my main weekend event was an enormous one that has continued and will continue to impact me all week. my car died. this is not an exaggeration. i was backing out of ali's driveway and it decided to hate me and die. it's not the battery because my car turns on, the engine just won't turn over. allow me to set the tone of the event though. it's 8:57 pm and i'm pulling out of ali's driveway in ogelthorpe park. i'm halfway out of her driveway and my car shuts off, no warning, nothing to tell me it was going to do so. i turn the car on, attempt to get the engine to turn over and fail. miserably. three times. ali walks out of her house laughing and says, "i thought a bird died," and i said, "no ali, try a car". i attempt to back my car out of the driveway in neutral, but my steering wheel is locked and won't turn so i end up sticking out halfway in the street. my mother comes to call triple a and rescue me, but i then find out that it will the extremely reliable company at least an hour to send a tow truck. my mother and i end up getting into an argument about college and i tell her, "i would no longer like to sit her in the car with you". she then tells me i can walk home. my mother doesn't realize how determined and headstrong i am, so i begin my one and two-thirds of a mile trek home. do realize i'm wearing what i wore to work so i am wearing capris, heels, a nicer shirt, and a jacket. i get in front of st. william's catholic church before i realize that one of my favorite earrings has fallen out, and that i left my cell phone in the back of my mom's car. so i am phoneless, at 9:20 pm walking frederica road with no phone and one earring. thankfully i realize when i get to the demere-frederica intersection that i have chocolate in my pocket so i can eat for the first time since that morning. needless to say, i make it home at 10:10 pm and am now carless.

here's the most hilarious movie i have ever seen in my entire life. it is a japanese game show that, in my opinion, should be aired in america. it makes me love the brilliance of asains even more. thank you for sharing your incredibly smart stupidity.

"living is easy when it's night".

i have a feeling that today is going to be a day of many words. they'll flow together into a great white mass that you can sift through at your leisure. some of it may be fragmented, some may have incorrect punctuation, but all will be thoughts that i am experiencing. they are going to be raw. they will be pure. they will most likely be judged by you.

now to begin.

human emotion is a complex thing. i truly don't believe it's a thing. i believe it's a being. one that thrives off our very existence, but our existence needs it to thrive. it never lays idle or stagnant. it's ever moving. it moves through us like a rush of energy, only to surge with different intensities which causes whichever emotion we have. the smallest flow of this energy makes us happy, but the strongest flow is the one of sheer, disheartening sadness. it is incomparable to anything else in the world. emotion drives us, inspires us, and brings us back into reality. emotions are a scary element however. we feel them when we sleep in the forms of dreams. some in black and white. some in color. some in both. and in these dreams emotions try to release only to be wrangled back into the complexity and beauty of the human mind. dreams are not the only thing that make me cautious with emotions. the main reason that they have the scary presence is a rather mind blowing one. emotions present themselves the second you meet someone. they are there and differ from situation to situation. yet for something that powerful, they allow themselves to be repressed. they let us pretend we're something and someone we're not. they take away part of our identity and character, but they are the defining factors of who we are. therefore, does anyone really know who they are? or is it who we are in that moment, and we only are going on what we feel?

music is probably the most complex thing next to emotion. it has this quality of life, this pulsating sensation that causes so much happiness, so much love, so much sorrow, and so much angst. every artist has something different to offer; a different type of work to create; a different type of emotion to evoke. it's amazing to think that so many of these artists are criticized and overlooked by their colleagues. so many different artists have had a great impact on my life in the past week alone. moby for example. his album is the first in my recently added section on itunes. i finally downloaded all of his play album. it is by far one of the most intriguing things i have ever listened to. the first two songs blend together in such a way that the word perfection doesn't serve it justice. "honey"'s vocals are of an older african-american woman singing about something she loves. it could be anything but i've taken it as simile for the man she loves. moby then pairs this with a variety of electronica melodies in the background which diversify and enhance the work farther. the song following it is called "find my baby" and links the two by having the vocals of an older african-american male. the vocals alone are extremely uplifting, but yet again moby's genius shows through. the background melodies are a lot more mellow but still give off that aestheticism. although the vocals appear throughout the album in other tracks, the most powerful of these is the fourth track titled "why does my heart feel so bad". following one of moby's most popular tracks "porcelain", the song carries the same gloriously depressing vibe, yet it is an extremely emotion driven song. you finally have the much anticipated union of the man and woman, but it a disheartening one unlike the happy one we yearned for. it truly parallels the feeling of unrequited love or the loneliness that many feel. the next album i want to touch on is loreena mckennitt's the mask and mirror. it is unlike anything i have ever heard before. her vocals are captivating enough alone, but the fact that the album is in english but you can still hear her irish accent is truly beautiful. the melodies are soothing and carry a traditional feeling. her music makes you want to meditate and find your inner peace, the calm and serenity of spirituality. not in a religious sense, but in a self-enlightment one. it reminds me of buddhism. but i will leave that until later. it is impossible to pick just one of the eight tracks to encourage you to listen to because they all bring something different. "the mystic's dream" is truly the most centering piece on the album. ironically, i first heard it at awakenings yoga before i knew of her as an artist or the song itself. at the time, i thought it was just one of those meditative albums you buy and they come with a yoga mat or something along those lines. "ce he mise le ulaingt?/the two trees" is the song from the album that posseses the most traditional sounds of traditional celtic music. "prospero's speech" is the song on the album with the most entrancing aesthetic quality. it is almost entirely acoustic with just different note tones in the background. all of the tracks are ones that should be admired, listened to, and absorbed however. the lyrics are all carry extreme buy beautiful imagery and are truly from mckennitt's soul. similar to mckennitt's album but entirely different is emmy rossum's debut album inside out. it is the first time i heard her powerfully entrancing voice since she starred as christine in the movie phantom of the opera in 2004. the aura given off by her voice is one so captivating that it's all you can do not to laugh and cry in the same instance. the first song on the album, "slow me down", is the song that i can parallel my life to in innumerable ways currently. the background for track contains no instruments but is all vocal and vocal manipulation. it a song that speaks to the stress and pressure of the real world and how everyone gets so caught up they need someone else to help free them. "stay" is extremely mellowing and possesses an air of anticipation of which the song is speaking. "anymore" is a song of release and personal strength that reaches down into hearts of those who yearn for the ability to be themselves and stand for what they believe at any cost. finally, "been too long" speaks to the quintessential romance that ended so unexpectedly that a pining for that person lingers. it speaks then to the truth of the matter in that the romance could never happen again due to the fact that so much has changed since the romance ended. it is a perspective i have to remind myself to adopt although it rips your heart from the rest of your body and brings a flood of every care, every fear, every laugh, every frustration, and every tear they made you feel. it is truly music like this that i thrive off and cause me to blossom into the person i will one day become.

buddhism is the most fascinating religion. it is truly more of a way of life than a religion in my eyes. i love the simplicity of the stupas where they try to find their spiritual centers by meditating while participating in circumambulation. i went to a stupa called "the peace pagoda" when i was much younger in western massachusetts, and i remember being consumed with it and the four different gold statues of buddha in the four niches. it has now become my goal to return there soon and take it in at this point and time in my life and see how my view changes, how much stronger the intensity has become. also, i love how in contrast of the stupa itself, the toranas are covered in reliefs depicting the life of buddha, other stupas, animals, and yakshis. i admire the culture for using something as intense as the yakshi for their symbol for fertility and the earth goddess. the fact she is a tree spirit and is literally hanging as the one on the east torana shows the respect and adoration of the yakshi by the people. the joining of the yakshis and yakshas as mithuna couples is also extremely powerful in the way that it represents the energy in the perfect union of male and female. although there are many other things that i find entrancing about the faith, i am in love with the mudras. the fact that each one is a different, unspoken word that is translated by a simple movement of the hand is remarkable. although i see the signs of christ blessing us, comforting us, and welcoming us in my faith, the portrayal of these same things in the buddhist religion seems so much more elegant. also, i find myself drawn towards the chakra. the wheel representing order, balance, unity, and peace in oneself. it is so simple, yet so complex. it a pure symbol, and one overlooked by many today. i love that buddha has them on his hands and feet in most sculptures. they're a constant reminder of self-reflection and whatever else may help us obtain nirvana. nirvana itself serves as such a motivation and leads to the spread of wisdom. it is through yoga with the help of music that i hope to obtain this nirvana and peace in myself. i don't want to be an individual driven on stress. i want to be at peace with myself and to truly love myself for all i have to offer. in doing this i hope that someone else who will be enthralled by me and what i have to give, and that i will find that person who loves me then more than i ever thought possible. for now i must remember though that there is never any going back, i can only push forward.

i know i said i would post another harry potter film, but i lied. there will be another one but not now. today has been such a challenge and writing has been such a relief that i need something containing pure joy and humor. one that makes you laugh because you are so happy. one of innocence.

new month, new ideas.

let me start off by saying that tye-dye thursday is an amazing idea, and well "no shave november", that whole idea really isn't. i don't know what is compelling half of the school to participate. i'm just waiting to see how long they last considering the fact some people have already cheated. cycling on thursdays is amazing because cori teaches it, and she's the only instructor under thirty. the music is so much easier to cycle to. like we warmed up with "porcelain" by moby, then went to "lose control" by missy elliott, then "mr. brightside" by the killers, and then a song that i didn't know, and then "hallelujah" by jeff buckley was what we cooled down to. granted all of the songs were nine minutes long each so i didn't really know the verson, it was a good change to the '50s and '60s music they play most other days.

now to my main concern. i don't understand what has compelled the students of glynn academy to believe that taking naked pictures of yourself has become the new trend. when four people send nude pictures of themselves to majority of the student body, it is not cool. it's trashy. no one thinks you're hot stuff, however most people do think you're a whore. the fact that one girl has been heard saying, "hell yeah, that's me. everyone is just jealous because they wish they looked this way" is just ridiculous. when the most respected literature teacher in perhaps the entire county talks about it in class and says how disappointing and disgusting it is, you know it has become an epidemic rather than a trivial problem. the final straw for me was when i heard that one of the girls was called to the office and asked if the picture was her, and she said, "oh they're talking about brielle*" talking about an entirely different picture that was sent out because she didn't want them calling her parents. the situation in general is repulsive. the fact that two more glynn academy students have died within the past month has not been forgotten but has been pushed back in the minds of many individuals because "naked pictures are so much more dramatic". sorry but it's all ridiculous. to the girls and boy that the pictures are of, people don't respect you anymore, and i'm sorry that you can't see that. maybe you should watch the documentary called the lost children of rockdale county and see how ridiculous you truly look being proud of what you've done.
*names have not been changed due to the fact they are proud of their action

lastly, i am ending this post with possibly the funniest thing i have ever seen dealing with harry potter. there is a series about the characters as puppets which i will try to put on here after every post until all of them are up. i want to say that there are around six of them. all are totally inventive and different, and i applaud the creators of this imaginative video.