december thoughts.

december has been here for a good three weeks. three weeks of not writing. three weeks of pondering.

where to begin? let me start with the christmas spirit. it's creeping upon me ever so slightly. granted i'm not possessing the abounding joy i did when i was younger, it's coming upon me ever so slowly. at first it was painful since christmas apparently started november first around here. honestly, why do people insist on moving christmas up every year? two weeks ago i cringed at the thought of christmas being around the corner, but tonight i had an entirely different outlook. perhaps it's because our house is finally decorated. or maybe even seeing how excited john henry and caroline were excited tonight when telling me about what santa will bring them. i do believe that watching the grinch in both the newer jim carey version and the animated version did help a little. and the fact that they were shown on "all perfect" sea island and the disc skipped and caused john henry to lean over and whisper, "next time, we're going to the real theatre" made the experience that much more enjoyable. however, i hate the fact we don't have snow. i talk to loryn, hollie, eric, and kyle and they tell me how much they hate the snow and how they are having to trudge through a foot and a half of it daily while i'm laying out on the beach is an insane thought to me. i want it to feel like christmas. i don't want it to be a seventy-five degree day, i want it to be the frigidly cold twenty-one degree white christmas.

this allows me to semi-segue into my next topic. atlanta. it was freezing when i was there last weekend with ali, ian, and charles for the mistletoe jam, but i loved it. atlanta is amazing, and i got accepted into oglethorpe university which is there. it was the only in-state school i applied to, and i would love to go there and experience the bigger city feeling. however, it's not massachusetts. i can still have the big city feel in boston, a true big city, but i won't hear from colleges up there until later this coming year. the only thing i didn't like about atlanta was the immense fourteen lane highway. honestly, i know there is a big traffic flow, but the big dig didn't put that many lanes through boston. nothing like taking land from the city for a cause which causes even more pollution. however, it's not that i hate the roads. truthfully, the intimidate me. seven lanes of traffic going the same direction i am? seven! but i do love the atmosphere up there and think that i could adjust accordingly. i'll figure it all out in the end. somehow i always do.

somehow i have been giving advice lately. i've been telling other girls in pirates to just ask the person they want to go to pirate formal with and do so with confidence and to hold their head high because it's just a question. somehow, i can't manage to follow my own advice. the person i'm asking is strictly a friend, yet i keep talking myself out of asking him whenever we hang out. but that's not where the irony ends. eric told me he's found someone he likes and is strongly considering dating. of course i'm extremely happy for him and want him to if she's good to him, but he told me that he was unsure how i'd feel about it because of our past. i will always care about him and he knows that but it's the distance that complicates everything. i told him whatever happens will happen when it's supposed to and to go for life now, but i can't seem to do that myself. i am dwelling in the past for other things and thinking about what might be now if i had tweaked one little thing. maybe if i hadn't said something, or i hadn't been jealous and vengeful, or even if i wasn't so passive. i tell him to live for the moment, but i'm just letting those moments fall through my grasp. i need to follow my own advice for once and become the strong, self assured person i wish i was. maybe it will all change with the coming new year? i do believe so. i do hope so.

the last thing i want to touch on is the whole jamie lynn spears thing. i'm not going to talk long because it doesn't even deserve me wasting a shred of time for it. honestly people by telling your kids that what's happening is alright you are condoning teen pregnancy. a sixteen year old who is supposed to be a role model is pregnant, and mothers are telling their kids that "zoe is just taking a little break". what are you going to tell them when her child appears on the show with her? oh that's her little friend? "welcome to the twenty-first century where no values are present". yes i do some outrageous things, but i know if i had the kind of power over a child's mind that celebrities possess, i wouldn't reveal i was pregnant to a magazine or neglect to tell my sister. the world we live in has become so influenced by media it scares me. you know when one of jim carey's lines in the grinch is about media power things may be getting a little too out of hand for our own good.

i will close my thoughts of the day with one word. if you understand, you are either extremely informed in my private life, or you are the politically incorrect soul this christ-tastic christmas. yarmulke.