pouring.

this is my method of release, of purging my system and telling all a little about me, so it's only right to let this out. i love you. to any who seem to be reading this, you may see this as immature, corny, or cliche. however, this is something i need to release because it has been an underlying cause of many mixed emotion days, torn thoughts, or false happiness. so let me reiterate this, i love you.

i regret not saying it, however, if i had i feel like it would be so much harder on us now. that simple, commonly overused phrase is a novice concept for me. i have realized it by denied it to myself at the same time. i knew i cared, so much, but i told myself it was not

^^^
draft published 1/7/2009

love/pain

it's amazing how two four letter words can be completely different in conception, but the same in feeling. love is supposed to be bliss, letting yourself become entwined with thoughts of each other, and is supposed to be dual. pain is quite the opposite. it's what makes you build up the wall that love will tear down. it makes your hurt in ways unseen, but not unfelt. however, the two have morphed into one these past few months, and quite frankly ties in the last four letter word i felt. fear.

^^^
draft published 1/7/2009

the days have been many since i have had anything to really share. true much has happened, graduation, prom, a small run in with a shovel resulting in a double digit number of stitches, but insight into my life has seemed to have halted. however, the past few days have caused me to think, to grow more as a person. my tastes have expanded, my cares have multiplied, yet parts of my life are deteriorating in front of my eyes. they aren't necessarily parts which i expected to stay in tact forever, but ones i thought i could always reawaken if needed in the future. it isn't specifically the pain of losing said pieces of "me" that bothers me, it's the fact that i have allowed them to slip through my grasp unnoticed, in a carefree manner. yet there are pieces of my past which have been waiting to reappear as if they have been silent embers without anything to ignite. and now they have found that other part to make the spark occur. of course i'm overjoyed in the return of some things, but other things were a struggle to extinguish and their reappearance is causing me to question much of which i believed to be true now. there are old emotions resurfacing and they are causing comparisons to be made. the comparisons are causing an additional flood of thought which has begun to overwhelm a great portion of my thoughts. however, i have the strength of both what i know and how i feel to hold me steadfast in how i view my current situations and how i will continue to live the life i have made for myself.

the strengths which have begun to surface are many in type, yet the inspiration given by them are equal. of course one of the ones that is recurrent is photography. while in massachusetts i had the privilege of a new landscape and willing friends and family to allow my creativity to run wild through. the pictures provided me with a new appreciation for what is around me and what i have begun to take advantage of. living in an area such as coastal georgia, i have grown accustomed to having the beach a five minute drive away and being surrounded by the marshes. this fall in atlanta i won't have the beach to go to and sit for hours in the middle of the night and think. yes i will have the privilege of seeing john mayer in august and coldplay in november, but that is on the opposite end of the spectrum compared to the place of serenity the beach has become for me. although i haven't uploaded the pictures onto the macbook yet, which has been unbelievable in aiding to my laziness out of sheer admiration for the fact this small machine has the capability to do what i want, when i want, and i don't have to leave my room, i will soon post them on my flikr account. there is one picture in particular of a common lily right after the rain that has caught me. the deep purple another such strength has been my new obsession with incubus. of course i have always loved their music, but now it seems like the perfect way to unwind and think is by listening to them. the music these five men have created is mind blowing. it's not just the way they perfectly blend every element of the song to produce a verse, a song, an album full of inspiration, but it's the way they can change the flow of the song, mid song, and still have it be true to them and their style. "anna molly" is one such song. not only is the song beautiful in it's characteristic lyrics, but the way the melody changes with the lyrics, "wait there is a light,
there is a fire illuminated attic,
fate or something better i could care less,
just stay with me a while,
wait there is a light, there is a fire defragmenting the attic,
fate or something better i could care less,
just stay with me a while."
this change throws the listener for a loop, and for myself caught my ear and heart in the same instant. it is for moments like that i live for, and those moments are the reason my passion for music is so great.

another passion of mine has always been the unique nature of objects. one of these objects is my most recent purchase, and my most youthful purchase. it can be summed into one word. moe. moe is not the band, is not a picture, and has a heartbeat. moe is a fish. he was a collaborate pick between josh and i with william and wesley's stamp of approval. he lives in a vase on my dresser with a bamboo shot and the glass stones josh especially picked out to match his navy blue and red coloring. this small beta has brought me much joy in our first twenty-four hours. not only was the trip to petsmart and the time spent there an adventure, but moving him into a spot where he would stay unharmed and happy was an important task. he stays under the wind and has more than enough water to swim freely and happily as long as he desires. moe is not just a fish. he will be the only living thing to follow me to atlanta in a month. it is going to be hard leaving everything behind, especially in a new relationship where i can say i've been happier than i have been. of course i'm not always ecstatic, i let my thoughts and comparisons get the best of me and feel the vulnerability i've felt in the past.

^^^
draft published 1/7/2009

realization.

do you happen to realize just how amazing your music truly is? not too long ago, it surprised me when you said that you had listened to it for the first time in a while, but i only wondered if you knew how many times it was still being played. not only do the songs please through their shear melody and harmony, the lyrics are seductive to the soul. the words are commonplace and tossed around in a frenzy nowadays, yet the context they are used in isn't cliche. the songs have a hidden depth and meaning, that, through it all, burns like a fire against the back of my mind. although i am an adorer of music for everything it holds, lyrics make the difference between a song i love and know all of the words to, and a song which constantly plays itself over again in my head. although i can never be sure, i know you for the passionate person you are when it comes to what you love, music, and i know that i'm not inserting emphasis on the importance you intended the words to have. though they are mere thoughts and emotions, they have become conveyed as strong forces which overpower the listener and cause reflection. however, you didn't allow your talent to become caged here. the instrumental flows flawlessly. the background is haunting. haunting however is not bad. it is an eerie good, the kind that if you hear it once, you never forget it, and you never want to. it has gotten to the point that if the same chords are struck in another song by an entirely different artist, your song plays in my mind.

do you happen to realize that listening to your music causes a tranquility? no matter the situation, if i turn my music on loud so that i can forget reality for one moment, your songs are the ones i blare and sing at the top of my lungs. your songs serve as an outlet for emotion for the listener as well as yourself. strangely enough, your songs also serve as an inducer of flashbacks. the returning memories aren't necessarily the happiest of times, but they are the most cherished, and therefore cancel out the negativity felt earlier.

thank you. you have provided me with a channel through which i have the ability to further express who i am and learn more about the internal kara striving to be set completely free. frou frou spoke to what i believe best defines music as the powerful in their lyrics "music is worthless unless it can make a complete stranger break down and cry", and although i am no stranger, know you have succeeded.

the only way to complete this post is to play to another passion of the amazing artist i was referring to earlier. today was a rough day, and through having your music on repeat my ipod, i was able to drive aimlessly for hours to clear my mind, lay on the beach from eight-thirty to ten and watch the stars from the dunes, and, most importantly, take beautiful, inspired photographs. so here my best from the day, signed but unphotoshopped. enjoy fine sir, and know that i stand true to what i said long ago, john mayer would be proud.

sunset arrow.


tree.

dock.



moon silhouette.


grass.


grass - b/w.


craters.

nights of joy lead to mornings of exhaustion.

my spring break has definitely proven to be an unforgettable one. the only way to do it any justice is to start with day one and push right through. so here the documentary adventure begins.

the first few days can be summed up relatively easily. i ate dinner with reed at the pearl, had morning bike rides with kristen, did the random things there are to do at night on the island, sat at outback at least five times by wednesday, and spent almost nothing. it was wednesday, the day of my eighteenth birthday that things truly started to pick up. at midnight, i was at the pier in the middle of a circle formed by meechie, jeff, ricky, lance, and josh. the conducted the yearly ritual of "birthday spankings" and then for some reason the entire group proceeded to waffle house. the next morning valarie and kristen "kidnapped me" as they say, dressed me up, and took me to dressner's for breakfast. it was after this my day truly began. kristen and i went on our morning bike ride to christ church, i came home, showered, and made my way to watson's. two hours after the time we had decided to leave, we finally made our way to jacksonville. first stop? inksmith & rogers. purchases? one labret for mike and a tattoo for myself. surprisingly, the pain was minimal and the tattoo looks amazing. cheryl however hates it. that evening when i got home, she was already mad because it was five in the morning and when i went back out after getting home i told her it would only be for about an hour, but on top of this, she saw the tattoo. she could only dwell on the size and tell me how i ruined my life. however, i told her it's me, and if i like it, it's all that matters. the tattoo and piercing extravaganza was not the end of the jacksonville evening. mike and i had jay stop at walgreen's so that he could get mouth wash and i could get lotion, he proceeded to call me shrek because i couldn't turn my neck so i had to turn my entire body to look at who was talking, and we managed to get lost while looking for freebird. when we finally made it to freebird, the concert was amazing. the opening bands i had never heard of before, but they both put on an extremely good show and played to the crowd. however, the sick puppies were amazing. i never realized they were an australian band, the band was only made up of three members, and the bassist was a girl. they were insane and were interacting with the crowd the entire time. the songs they played were their most upbeat ones, but as i discovered, they are extremely misleading. the lyrics run extremely deep and are controversial. "cancer" makes you question if you really are what you think you are or are you losing yourself to be successful in society's eyes. unfortunately, the only video that have is for "all the same" which is an amazing song. the lyrics flow perfectly with the harmony and melody, and the words are powerful and mirror "cancer" in that they encourage you to be who you are and to accept others for who they are. the message the song and video paired sends is beautiful in a sense of security in the underlying youth, pure joy, and unadulterated love society holds. the only way to truly experience this feeling and understand the emotions i am poorly attempting to convey is to simply click play and take out three minutes and watch the video.



the birthday celebration has continued through the thursday excursion to orlando, where i am now, and where i will be until this evening. this small road trip has been a great segue to the end of an amazing week. i've gotten to run through an extremely landscaped million dollar house neighborhood every morning, sleep well into the afternoon if i choose to do so, eat a balanced mix of both home cooked meals and restaurants which brunswick doesn't have, and attend an amazing concert. the concert was definitely a mini-trip inside the over-all one. josh, hannah, lance, and i met watson, mark, jay, patty, and brandon in the arena parking lot where we proceeded to tail gate for an hour and a half. this was my first concert with mark and my first time really having a conversation with him, so at first he was really quiet but by the end of the night, he had really opened up. when we first made it inside the venue, they were out of wristbands for the floor, so we were forced to watch atreyu from the highest level in the stadium, but during the break jay and mike bought two wristbands from people who didn't want them and came back to show me and run back downstairs to catch avenged sevenfold. however, i chased them, took their wristbands after they got through the gate, and snuck down to the floor myself. with the two wristbands, we managed to trade them off and get mark and lance on the floor as well. we were in the very back of the floor at first, so for avenged's first song i sat on mike's shoulders and took pictures for him. by the second song we decided we wanted to get to the front and at the fourth song's beginning we were about four to five standing rows from the stage. needless to say, i moshed, formed a "wall" with mark, danced and jumped like my life depended on it, and crowd surfed out on the guitar solo before the encore. i have to say that this far i have been extremely thrilled with the outcome of my spring break and birthday. tomorrow the fun continues with a three doors down and 12 stones concert in st. augustine, so monday will be the ultimate relaxation day.

i've finally begun putting some of my photography online, however it will take awhile before everything i really like is up. the link is http://www.flickr.com/karalewis . take a look and give me feedback, anything and everything is appreciated.

and the stress level has elevated yet again. i heard from boston university. i'm in. oh the joys of being indecisive.

orlando days.

this post comes extremely late compared to others, and will be short due to the fact i'm sitting at lance's dad's house waiting for him to get ready so hannah, josh, lance, and i can go to chili's. however, this will be a college and birthday update so hopefully i can cram all of the random thoughts into a short, sweet, and semi-logical order.

first college. i had been steady in my footing in terms of going to oglethorpe in the fall. however, now i have heard back from northeastern in boston and hampshire, umass amherst, and mount holyoke in western mass. all have given me nice, round figure scholarships so i no longer have a set course and direction in mind. and to think i believed second semester would be less stressful.

the birthday talk is now interrupted because we are ready to leave finally. know that it was amazing and elaboration is yet to come.

concert hell.

the past few weeks have been extremely intriguing. life has had a lot to offer and much has changed. i've tackled events such as my mother's sixtith birthday, valentine's day, and this past weekend which was made up of loryn and my mother's three friends from high school coming into town. however, there were positive aspects of those chaotic events. i bought my mother tickets to see her new favorite band, celtic woman, play tomorrow evening in jacksonville. let me elaborate on the obsession my mother has for this ridiculous group of irish women. for christmas this year, like every year, nicole, my mother, and i get presents from santa claus although nicole and i recognize the fact that it is just my mother and not some mythical entity which fits down chimneys in houses that don't exist and can somehow make it all around the world in that short timeline. however i digress. my mother fills her stocking every year, wraps herself gifts, and then pretends to be extremely surprised to see what "santa has brought her". normally she buys herself the yearly gifts of razors, lotion, oranges (note nicole and i get all three of these things also), and random gifts such as last year's sewing machine. this year's random "mommy treat" was the celtic woman christmas cd. the next three weeks of nicole and i's home experience were filled with christmas carols in both gaelic and english. due note that christmas was three weeks before hand which means my mother extended the holiday season well into january. now she has purchased their "regular albums" and the celtic torture continues. so flashback to christmas morning. cheryl unwraps her new favorite possesion

^^^yet another unfinished stream of consciousness. however, cheryl's birthday concert went well, minus a few setbacks.

3/28/08

organized chaos.

these past few weeks have been extremely influential on me. i have learned and am continuing to learn a lot about myself. first college stuff, and then "friend" stuff. glynn county has a way of putting a lot of stressful situations on your plate and stepping back to watch you deal. so college is a good place to begin this discussion.

since i was moved to georgia in second grade, i have been dead set on going back home to massachusetts. i even attempted to enroll in boarding school my sophomore year of high school, but my mother caught me when the school called to talk to her about the financial aide package they were prepared to offer. since then, i have been determined to go to college up there, even if it meant going to umass amherst, but as of recently i've had a drastic change of heart. i went to oglethorpe university, where i have already been accepted, for a scholarship weekend, and i fell in love. the first night i was set against going and convinced myself i'd hate it. however, i cracked to the thrill of atlanta and the magnificance of the school. i took a class with one of the art history professors, really got to talk to students about what went on night life wise, and the opportunities the school has to offer are absolutely astounding. what other college allows me the privilege of getting on a plane and flying to new york for a day, for free? not any of the other ones i applied to. the school's president is extremely nice and personable as were all of the students and staff members i met. so what does this mean for me? do i betray myself and everything i have stood for and go to this amazing school which was dropped into my lap at random, or do i disregard this broadening experience because it's what i've been telling myself? do i really want to be in atlanta? yes and no. i guess only time will tell me what to do, and until then all i can do is live for the moment here.

that moment is coming up soon. this weekend soon. another dreaded dance, however this time without a dreaded date. andrew is amazingly down to earth and hilarious so there's no doubt in my mind that i will have an extraordinary time. if he and i can drive around talking for hours or just sitting on the beach until one in the morning, a dance with music and food and a planned schedule should be no big deal, we can amuse ourselves. not only do i have pirate formal this weekend, but this month also holds a big trip. loryn is finally coming down to visit me. although hollie can't, the three of us have been trying to get together down here since we were eight, and we've finally succeeded. loryn's only heard stories about the island, so it'll be cool to have stories with her down here and for everyone here to meet my best friend from granby, practically my sister. she's the girl who didn't talk to anyone for a week after i moved and i ruined her mom's tulips when i was trying to find her pinata in kindergarden. loryn was there when i got sent to the prinicpal for the first time, and i was there for her when they made fun of her barney shirt. i'm thrilled that we'll actually get to hang out at my house for the first time in years, and that my mom will get to see how much she's grown up. i'm just happy to still be best friends over these twelve years. then the month of february ends and march madness begins. i turn eighteen, go to two concerts, finally get my tattoo. but i'll leave that for march. february has only just begun.

however, not everything has been pleseant this month. it's only the fourth day and everything has already managed to be turned upside down. this weekend i got molten glass bottle stuck to my chest thanks to watson and rob, got to sit in a ditch on i-95 so i didn't get hit after rob's tire went flat although that was fun, and found out some of my "friend's" true colors. low and shady blows have already been thrown, and it is disheartening to see who the thrower of those punches were. my definition of best friend was obviously a lot more old fashioned then hers. but luckily i have people like reed and rob and catherine who catch me and keep me holding on. it has been these past two days where i have began to meditate again. i have started driving across the causeway and turning my music up loud and rolling the windows down singing as loud as i want. today was the first day i've visited my dad since christmas. well the first time during the day. i hate the cemetary at night, so those visits are always short, but today i had nothing to do for a period of time, so i went and talked to him. i told him what was wrong and cried a lot, but it helped in the end. i know he was listening and could see him sitting there watching me talk and smiling at me and my stupid, pointless comments. i know that it's a ridiculous wish, but i wish that i could sit on his lap and just cry. i want him to hold me and tell me i'm his little girl who is becoming someone he is proud of and is becoming the beautiful young woman he'd always hoped i would. i want him to see me turn eighteen and become an adult. i want to argue with him only to give him a hug and tell him how much i really love him. i want one day just to tell him i miss him and to listen to the hollies and tracey chapman. i wish i had only told him all of this three years ago. i wish i could tell him how he's an amazing individual and that i was lucky to call him my father. but i told him these things today, and i know he listened.

i don't know how to end this. but maybe i'll just end with a flashback, to the way i wish things were. i miss you staypuff.

well hello new year.

it's now 2008. because this is eight days late, there are eight days of thoughts and feelings which i have not expressed. i can attempt to catch up, but it will not be as detailed and eloquent as one might have hoped. all there is left to do is begin.

recently, i have noticed a change, a crisis occurring to me. unfortunately it is one that is extremely materialistic and superfluous and sounds ridiculous. however, it happens to be bothering me, and i need to vent to something that won't label me as self-centered. i have always been known as the blonde lewis child. all three other children have the red hair i've always joked about wanting. i guess you could say somewhere someone or something listened to me and my wish is taking place. i've ignored what everyone has been telling me the past few months about the tints of red my hair possesses getting greater, but i can no longer tell myself my hair is just darkening like it does every winter. i am becoming a redhead, and with this picture i end my "kara" rant.

moving on. these past few days have been interesting. of course new year's eve proved to be every bit as fun filled as i had hoped. it ranged from babysitting sixteen kids from six to about nine in the evening to going to reed's for an eventful, wished to be remembered evening. i have spent days and nights rediscovering my youth. i was given sea monkeys for christmas, and they are thriving beautifully. not only this

^^^

yes, it's another unfinished post stopped midsentence. but they're thoughts and should be shared. sea monkey update? they're thriving, but they are strangely disturbing. 1/28/08