since i was moved to georgia in second grade, i have been dead set on going back home to massachusetts. i even attempted to enroll in boarding school my sophomore year of high school, but my mother caught me when the school called to talk to her about the financial aide package they were prepared to offer. since then, i have been determined to go to college up there, even if it meant going to umass amherst, but as of recently i've had a drastic change of heart. i went to oglethorpe university, where i have already been accepted, for a scholarship weekend, and i fell in love. the first night i was set against going and convinced myself i'd hate it. however, i cracked to the thrill of atlanta and the magnificance of the school. i took a class with one of the art history professors, really got to talk to students about what went on night life wise, and the opportunities the school has to offer are absolutely astounding. what other college allows me the privilege of getting on a plane and flying to new york for a day, for free? not any of the other ones i applied to. the school's president is extremely nice and personable as were all of the students and staff members i met. so what does this mean for me? do i betray myself and everything i have stood for and go to this amazing school which was dropped into my lap at random, or do i disregard this broadening experience because it's what i've been telling myself? do i really want to be in atlanta? yes and no. i guess only time will tell me what to do, and until then all i can do is live for the moment here.
that moment is coming up soon. this weekend soon. another dreaded dance, however this time without a dreaded date. andrew is amazingly down to earth and hilarious so there's no doubt in my mind that i will have an extraordinary time. if he and i can drive around talking for hours or just sitting on the beach until one in the morning, a dance with music and food and a planned schedule should be no big deal, we can amuse ourselves. not only do i have pirate formal this weekend, but this month also holds a big trip. loryn is finally coming down to visit me. although hollie can't, the three of us have been trying to get together down here since we were eight, and we've finally succeeded. loryn's only heard stories about the island, so it'll be cool to have stories with her down here and for everyone here to meet my best friend from granby, practically my sister. she's the girl who didn't talk to anyone for a week after i moved and i ruined her mom's tulips when i was trying to find her pinata in kindergarden. loryn was there when i got sent to the prinicpal for the first time, and i was there for her when they made fun of her barney shirt. i'm thrilled that we'll actually get to hang out at my house for the first time in years, and that my mom will get to see how much she's grown up. i'm just happy to still be best friends over these twelve years. then the month of february ends and march madness begins. i turn eighteen, go to two concerts, finally get my tattoo. but i'll leave that for march. february has only just begun.
however, not everything has been pleseant this month. it's only the fourth day and everything has already managed to be turned upside down. this weekend i got molten glass bottle stuck to my chest thanks to watson and rob, got to sit in a ditch on i-95 so i didn't get hit after rob's tire went flat although that was fun, and found out some of my "friend's" true colors. low and shady blows have already been thrown, and it is disheartening to see who the thrower of those punches were. my definition of best friend was obviously a lot more old fashioned then hers. but luckily i have people like reed and rob and catherine who catch me and keep me holding on. it has been these past two days where i have began to meditate again. i have started driving across the causeway and turning my music up loud and rolling the windows down singing as loud as i want. today was the first day i've visited my dad since christmas. well the first time during the day. i hate the cemetary at night, so those visits are always short, but today i had nothing to do for a period of time, so i went and talked to him. i told him what was wrong and cried a lot, but it helped in the end. i know he was listening and could see him sitting there watching me talk and smiling at me and my stupid, pointless comments. i know that it's a ridiculous wish, but i wish that i could sit on his lap and just cry. i want him to hold me and tell me i'm his little girl who is becoming someone he is proud of and is becoming the beautiful young woman he'd always hoped i would. i want him to see me turn eighteen and become an adult. i want to argue with him only to give him a hug and tell him how much i really love him. i want one day just to tell him i miss him and to listen to the hollies and tracey chapman. i wish i had only told him all of this three years ago. i wish i could tell him how he's an amazing individual and that i was lucky to call him my father. but i told him these things today, and i know he listened.
i don't know how to end this. but maybe i'll just end with a flashback, to the way i wish things were. i miss you staypuff.
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