some direction, much smiling.

let me start off by stating that the three posts directly before this have been incomplete drafts, however, they were published because they were emotions that drove me so strongly for so long, and it is a chapter of my life which has served great importance. hopefully, this will not be just a draft, but that i will have the will power to express what i've wanted to say, tried to say, and needed to say for some time now.

i can honestly say that i am truly happy for once in my life. it's a novice concept to me, and it is an idea which has taken quite some time for me to grasp. i denied a large portion of who i was in denying where i am now, what i am feeling, for the months i did, but now i see that everything that i had gone through during that time was for a reason, it has made me appreciate what i have now even more. hopefully the immaturity i feel like this may seem to embody to some can be overlooked for one slight moment and that the reasoning behind these statements shines through. i have taken a while to write because the words never seemed to mesh with my feelings at the time. however, these past few weeks have served as an eye opener for me, and for the first time in my life i feel like an adult. i can see my future, and i see the importance of portions that have come to complete me in said future. i can say that if five years from now, i am still with the person i am now, i would still be as blissful and comfortable as i am now. i don't feel as if i am missing out on anything by being with him, and quite frankly, as i managed to say in drafts but never formalize, i love him. i have yet to tell him still, but i think he knows it, i'd hope he'd know it by now, and i hope it is not simply an unrequited yearning. today for example, he was my knight in shining armor one could say. although i have been completely fine through two tattoos, i had to get the last shot in a series of three, and due to my fear of syringe needles, my nerves were completely shot. so he held my eighteen year old hand while the nurse gave me the shot, only to have to run for another nurse mere seconds after the shot was over because i passed out. we laughed it off, made fun of my peanuts band aid, and the way he pulled me in to his embrace and smiled into my hair telling me how silly i am felt completely natural to me. everything did. he laughed at me when i sat there one night, like an eager five year old, ate whopper candies and cried hysterically when ariel's mom died in the little mermaid: ariel's beginning. he laid in bed and read twas the night before christmas with me on christmas eve, continuing a tradition i've had since i was younger. the list of the little things that he does daily could go on forever, but then it's no longer my secret, my list of things that i love about him. the little things he do that make me smile and appreciate how lucky i am.

yet now i feel as if i have lost my train of thought, and i see no need in throwing things together hoping they gain direction. however, i do know that more writing is inevitable, and that this writing process may evolve into something daily. the words will come, be recorded, and left to share for earnest eyes to read.