days, weeks, months, all leading to a year.

time has passed since i have last written. feelings, seasons, relationships have changed. i have changed. i am now engaged to the person i would have never dreamt to be. i am still the same inside though. sometimes at the least. i have come to realize that not everything in life is planned nor is it set in stone. skin cancer, the one thing i thought i would never have to hear about again, has reared it's ugly head. thankfully, i have been spared, but one i love greatly has become its new target. the reemergence of forgotten pain and blocked memories has been staggering. morphine. one word. two memories. both equally powerful. one a yearn, a thirst needing a quench which would never come, and one a release, a literal flushing of small pills with a doctor standing over my shoulder. blinds. a recliner like the one which sits in my living room now, a recliner i despise. and then it gets fuzzy. i remember jeans, but were there slippers or white tennis shoes? was there the white t-shirt whose feeling and smell i can still sense? it has to have been, but five short years have caused me to forget. five years of school, boyfriends, failures, achievements, all causing me to force the only person who gets me through everyday further to the back of my mind. instead i remember simple numbers. no faces. counting. a maple tree, big green leaves. green the color of a crayola green-yellow crayon. his voice. my voice. but no more. but other things change also. it has gotten to the point where i almost feel no permanence in my life. is it cold feet already? not only for the upcoming marriage, but for my future in general. jonah and leah. are they real, will they happen, will they be mine? i fear not having them, never saying the names, but i fear saying them. i feel as if i will lose myself. and i know i will lose josh if they do not become part of our world in our future. my one security in life is failing me. my one lose cannon is what i cannot shake. i do not want the future that comes with it, but it is a future i dwell on, one i wonder if it would spare me some of the emotional roller coaster i ride daily and will continue to ride. images in my mind change. my photography does not for some odd reason. my music remains everywhere, but the passion holds true. my recent frequent attendance at symphonies has only strengthened my connection to the long forgotten past, and it is also what keeps me sane. i close my eyes and imagine i am once again five years old sitting in the front seat of the station wagon in the driveway while my dad is packing the car for the day. i hear the music the same way i did then. it filters into my consciousness as it did all of those times before. it is sectioned and colored, almost similar to the way dumbo sees the elephants when he is drunk. i see pastel colors representing what i am hearing. all because it is what he taught me to do. to listen and appreciate every level and tone the way it needed to be done. so i implore you, listen with your eyes closed to one that i have always loved. let the different movements dance before your eyes and across your mind. take what he shared with me, and share it with others.