modern religion?

allow me to start by saying merry christmas. i hope it was christ-tastic. in the politically correct world of today, someone has to be the one who is willing to break through the barriers set for social conformity, and i am happy to be that person. this allows me to appropriately address the situation which has spurred today's rant. allow me to start by setting the background and atmosphere which contained the event that brightened my day after christmas. i woke up extremely early yesterday due to the fact i spent most of christmas day asleep. i went downstairs, poured a glass of left over eggnog, and decided that i would spend my morning watching the useless television programs that were on at 8:30 in the morning. i turn on the t.v. and, as everyone who has comcast knows, the unofficial southern religious station was the first thing i witnessed. the first audible noise the show decided to bless me with was, and i know how ludicrous it sounds, "adopt a jew". it turns out the international foundation of christians and jews has decided to purchase an infomercial promoting their life giving cause, rescuing jews from areas in which they are being "ruthlessly" discriminated. the area used as an example was russia. and of course, what is an example without actual interviews from those affected. oh religion. what kind of world are we living in when people can take children in africa from their actual, living families because they are celebrities and can sway the morality of individuals with their surplus of money? one where you can adopt a "jew" and ensure their safe passage to israel. but then there is also the freedom to speak your thoughts and feelings. this was demonstrated by a utility van on my drive back to the island from atlanta two weekends ago. the van had a bumper sticker reading, "it's not a choice, it's a child". you are allowed to express your emotions through various mediums, but i have found cars and bodies as the most effective means of conveying one's point of view. everyone can see that you are a pro life supporter, or an uneducated individual when you walk through walmart with your three children wearing a shirt saying, "great pussy". don't believe either of these examples? i invite you to visit good ole' georgia. specifically the glynn county walmart.

so i leave you to think about what kind of statements you are making. will you be a humanitarian or, as some may view, a supporter of religious superiority? if you wish to take the humanitarian pathway visit http://www.wingsofeagles.tv/ and adopt the jew who does have food, water, clothing, and shelter. however, in doing this, you are taking that money from a family or child who needs the basic necessities of life, so are you the humanitarian or the persecutor of an innocent? by speaking out against pro choice are you being an advocate for rights of the innocent or a inhibitor of women's rights? life presents us with these moral choices daily, and it is up to us to respond and be the best person we can be. however this should be the person we are, not the person society is hoping to shape us into.

this post would not be complete without a final stab at religious views. to all who view harry potter as the spawn of satan, here is more ammunition to fuel your cause. all thanks to the website promoting individuality. here's a tribute to the genius of youtube.

december thoughts.

december has been here for a good three weeks. three weeks of not writing. three weeks of pondering.

where to begin? let me start with the christmas spirit. it's creeping upon me ever so slightly. granted i'm not possessing the abounding joy i did when i was younger, it's coming upon me ever so slowly. at first it was painful since christmas apparently started november first around here. honestly, why do people insist on moving christmas up every year? two weeks ago i cringed at the thought of christmas being around the corner, but tonight i had an entirely different outlook. perhaps it's because our house is finally decorated. or maybe even seeing how excited john henry and caroline were excited tonight when telling me about what santa will bring them. i do believe that watching the grinch in both the newer jim carey version and the animated version did help a little. and the fact that they were shown on "all perfect" sea island and the disc skipped and caused john henry to lean over and whisper, "next time, we're going to the real theatre" made the experience that much more enjoyable. however, i hate the fact we don't have snow. i talk to loryn, hollie, eric, and kyle and they tell me how much they hate the snow and how they are having to trudge through a foot and a half of it daily while i'm laying out on the beach is an insane thought to me. i want it to feel like christmas. i don't want it to be a seventy-five degree day, i want it to be the frigidly cold twenty-one degree white christmas.

this allows me to semi-segue into my next topic. atlanta. it was freezing when i was there last weekend with ali, ian, and charles for the mistletoe jam, but i loved it. atlanta is amazing, and i got accepted into oglethorpe university which is there. it was the only in-state school i applied to, and i would love to go there and experience the bigger city feeling. however, it's not massachusetts. i can still have the big city feel in boston, a true big city, but i won't hear from colleges up there until later this coming year. the only thing i didn't like about atlanta was the immense fourteen lane highway. honestly, i know there is a big traffic flow, but the big dig didn't put that many lanes through boston. nothing like taking land from the city for a cause which causes even more pollution. however, it's not that i hate the roads. truthfully, the intimidate me. seven lanes of traffic going the same direction i am? seven! but i do love the atmosphere up there and think that i could adjust accordingly. i'll figure it all out in the end. somehow i always do.

somehow i have been giving advice lately. i've been telling other girls in pirates to just ask the person they want to go to pirate formal with and do so with confidence and to hold their head high because it's just a question. somehow, i can't manage to follow my own advice. the person i'm asking is strictly a friend, yet i keep talking myself out of asking him whenever we hang out. but that's not where the irony ends. eric told me he's found someone he likes and is strongly considering dating. of course i'm extremely happy for him and want him to if she's good to him, but he told me that he was unsure how i'd feel about it because of our past. i will always care about him and he knows that but it's the distance that complicates everything. i told him whatever happens will happen when it's supposed to and to go for life now, but i can't seem to do that myself. i am dwelling in the past for other things and thinking about what might be now if i had tweaked one little thing. maybe if i hadn't said something, or i hadn't been jealous and vengeful, or even if i wasn't so passive. i tell him to live for the moment, but i'm just letting those moments fall through my grasp. i need to follow my own advice for once and become the strong, self assured person i wish i was. maybe it will all change with the coming new year? i do believe so. i do hope so.

the last thing i want to touch on is the whole jamie lynn spears thing. i'm not going to talk long because it doesn't even deserve me wasting a shred of time for it. honestly people by telling your kids that what's happening is alright you are condoning teen pregnancy. a sixteen year old who is supposed to be a role model is pregnant, and mothers are telling their kids that "zoe is just taking a little break". what are you going to tell them when her child appears on the show with her? oh that's her little friend? "welcome to the twenty-first century where no values are present". yes i do some outrageous things, but i know if i had the kind of power over a child's mind that celebrities possess, i wouldn't reveal i was pregnant to a magazine or neglect to tell my sister. the world we live in has become so influenced by media it scares me. you know when one of jim carey's lines in the grinch is about media power things may be getting a little too out of hand for our own good.

i will close my thoughts of the day with one word. if you understand, you are either extremely informed in my private life, or you are the politically incorrect soul this christ-tastic christmas. yarmulke.

oh november.

the month. how has it been? long. chaotic. busy. it just shows the fact that i cannot stay committed to keeping anything due to my extremely sporadic attention span. actually, i like the way reed defined me last night. i believe he has given me the title of the "little spastic one". this month has mirrored that concept amazingly. i am in fact everywhere at once, thinking about random, unnecessary things. it has been an incredibly exhilarating experience unearthing even more of me this month for the world to see. to begin, allow me to display the senior pictures which i finally received this month. although i took them in august. you have to love the speed of studios. allow me to explain them and how they relate to me everyday and my spasticness.

the first attests to my passions. you're probably asking yourself how eating sushi represents a passion, so allow me to enlighten you. i have many passions, many quirks that make me a whole. one of them is eating sushi. i eat it more than the average person. a lot more. when is the last time i ate sushi? i ate it for lunch today. and dinner last night. need i say more? but this is not an expression of my eating habits. it is one of the pieces of kara. one of the random, insane things i am enthralled by. allow me to elaborate. music is no longer a passion but an obsession. i listen to music you've never heard of and probably never will. i listen to music people listen to everyday on the radio. i listen to music that moves me. it can be physical stimulation like those songs which make me want to dance until i can no longer stand, or it can be an emotional pull. all of my music has some emotional pull which causes me to think about what i've learned and allows me to reconnect with my inner self and grow as a person. for instance, i was listening to my new found obsession, amos lee, and i remembered something mr. veater told me sophomore year in drawing. we were talking about how it is important not to dwell on what has happened and to live for the present, for the moment. and then he said one of the most profound things i have ever been privileged to hear. he said, "isn't it funny how we say we need to live in the present when we're never in the present?" of course i was taken aback and confused. he went on to elaborate in saying, "we are always in the past. whatever we think is happening now has already happened, so we are living in the past. we are in the past because due to the speed of sound what we are hearing being said, has already been said, and what we are seeing is delayed due to the speed of light so it has already happened. therefore, we are never truly in the present." i had forgotten about this conversation for so long that i was amazed to find that i remembered all of it. remembering this is one of those strange little snaps back to reality that is due every so often. it is interjections like that which keep us grounded and level headed. however, life is about living for the rush, for the feeling of being invincible. i was privileged enough to go to planetfest 8 with ten of my best friends. planetfest was an all day concert featuring bands such as breaking benjamin, seether, drowning pool, finger eleven, and trapt. i had been to a concert with jay, robert, travis, and watson before, but the bigger group made the experience even more memorable. i will always remember them as the kids we crammed into a seven-seater van to find a convenience store in downtown jacksonville because meechie and meagan wanted cigarettes and everyone else needed to use the restroom when we were already in line for the concert. i'll remember handing rachel and anne my shoes and cell phone, yelling "i'm going up" to meechie and robert, getting tossed into the hands of twenty thousand people, hearing jay and watson yell, "hey it's kara", and experiencing the first crowd surf of my life. i'll remember munchkin getting his shoe stolen during a crowd surf, jay's concussion, and having to come to the rescue of robert and meechie at exit seven because robert's car died. these people have allowed me to be me and have given me some of the most respect i have ever received in my life this far. they are my big brothers, and i would be lost without them as a constant support in my life. for instance, travis called me yesterday when i was at work and left me a voicemail saying, "you didn't come to see wednesday at work, thursday was thanksgiving, and yesterday you didn't text me back. i haven't seen you for three days baby girl and i just want to make sure you're okay. call me when you get this." they are the boys i know will be there for me at the drop of a hat just because i miss them and want to hang out, or i've been hurt and just want to cry and have someone hold me. they have become part of my life and next year at college i will be lost without having them there to make me laugh or pick on me. i know that they'll never be far from me though. distnace wise they may be, but they'll never be too far to talk to me about ufc fight night and chuck lidell like jay and travis do or to shove candy in my pocket so no one else will steal it like meechie does.

moving on. before i elaborate though let me touch on that phrase. moving on? what exactly does it mean? i thought i knew what it meant, but it has managed to prove me wrong. ironically, i find myself falling right back into where i just got up from. so what is moving on? a transition or a facade? in my case it's a facade. in the case of this sporadic expression of my thoughts, it's a segue into my next rant.

there really is not much to say about the next picture except for the face. the smile. it's been real lately. not that it wasn't real before. but it's been pure and unadulterated lately. i applied to the school i've wanted to attend forever and i'll find out in two weeks if i'm good enough for them. i've been hanging out with old friends, people i never really got to know, and people who never really exited my life. i attribute most of this joy however to this little boy, the innocent child who i want to watch grow up into a fine young man, and hopefully i will have the ability to do so starting in seven months.

i don't even know where or how to begin talking about emile. "that home" by the cinematic orchestra is one that describes how my nephew has impacted my life. although i love nadia and eaden more than i will ever comprehend, emile brings me to a tranquility and peace. talking to him makes me feel as if i'm cleansing myself of everything that i have done and said throughout the day and giving me the opportunity to start over again. even when he was younger, he showed so many of the same characteristics and personality traits that my father had. and he allowed me to feel reconnected with my father once again. it is a shame that he was born four months too late to meet the amazing man who he bares so much resemblance to in my eyes. although the resemblance is not a physical one, he still shows my father's crude sense of humor and love for fooling people. i love talking to him on the phone and hearing him talk about scarecrows, eaden being mean, green paint, and laughing at claudia. he is barely over two and has this wisdom about him which draws people closer to him. one of my favorite memories was last april when i was outside with eaden, emile, and nadia. nadia and eaden were doing their nightly chores, so i was playing with emile. of course, true to new england's spastic weather, it had snowed the night before so there was a layer of snow on the ground. emile would stumble his way up the hill, and roll down for me to catch him. he loved it when i'd pretend he'd knock me over and would fall backwards, so i did it almost everytime just so i could see him smile and hear his laugh. i remember eric coming over and sitting with me on the hill and talking to me while emile just sat on my lap playing with leaves. everything was happy and perfect and i hadn't messed up everything due to my attraction to someone other than eric. other than the boy who told me he loved me. however i don't regret any of it at all. the other attraction opened my eyes to other things in the world that i know i would have overlooked such as the amusement from talking about card games, the brilliance of ayn rand, playing in the walmart toy department and noticing how at least one part of every piece of merchandise is missing, and so many other things. however, it was that day in april that talking to emile on the phone allows me to reconnect with. this small child truly has the power to brighten the lives of those he meets and will always bear the trait.

the last picture applies to majority of my break. the beach. oh how i forgot the joy the beach brings at night. it had been forever since i had last been there and just laid down. every other time i was running for some stupid thing or another. it all started last monday night however. i went to dinner with ali, ian, and andrew. i hadn't seen ian since last march and we had never really hung out, but i saw andrew at football games yet was still oblivious to the fact he took the semester off before he left for college. needless to say, we ended up eating, ian, ali, and i went to the playground while andrew picked up his friend from out of town, we played a crazy game of frisbee at ten when it was pitch black, and then finally made it to the beach. some how, i was one of two smart people who brought a jacket to that night, so we all ended up huddled together in the sand. we saw a combined number of five shooting stars over the hour we were out there, and we became inspired to go out there again one night and camp. ali and i then decided to go to school for first and second period tuesday and then skip the rest of the day because it wasn't worth going to and i had already skipped my zero period. ali, ian, lane, and i ended up watching dogma and comedy central stand-up tuesday night, but nothing compared to wednesday. ali, ian, lane, lauren, matt, and i went to the beach from about nine to two a.m. we invented ridiculous but surprisingly fun games with our sleeping bags, and at about eleven-thirty matt, lane, and lauren left. ian, ali, and i finally got to lay in our own sleeping bags and just relax. andrew and natalie stopped by for a minute, but i fell asleep so i don't remember them leaving. in the end, we all ended up passing out in the midst of our very interesting conversation and our hysterical laughter over ian's sleeping bag. it's nights like those that i cherish though. the nights that we do nothing but just lay there and admire everything beautiful we have been given. i know no other way to end this but to leave you with these questions? do you know what beauty is? true beaty? do you know what peace is? or is it just what you think peace has been stereotyped to signify? have you missed the beauty and the peace? have you missed the golden star changing your life? i believe i overlooked mine until now.

oh the joy of weekends.

this weekend truly has been one of ups and downs. some inspirational ups, and some downs that weren't so pleasent but were a snap back to reality.



my main weekend event was an enormous one that has continued and will continue to impact me all week. my car died. this is not an exaggeration. i was backing out of ali's driveway and it decided to hate me and die. it's not the battery because my car turns on, the engine just won't turn over. allow me to set the tone of the event though. it's 8:57 pm and i'm pulling out of ali's driveway in ogelthorpe park. i'm halfway out of her driveway and my car shuts off, no warning, nothing to tell me it was going to do so. i turn the car on, attempt to get the engine to turn over and fail. miserably. three times. ali walks out of her house laughing and says, "i thought a bird died," and i said, "no ali, try a car". i attempt to back my car out of the driveway in neutral, but my steering wheel is locked and won't turn so i end up sticking out halfway in the street. my mother comes to call triple a and rescue me, but i then find out that it will the extremely reliable company at least an hour to send a tow truck. my mother and i end up getting into an argument about college and i tell her, "i would no longer like to sit her in the car with you". she then tells me i can walk home. my mother doesn't realize how determined and headstrong i am, so i begin my one and two-thirds of a mile trek home. do realize i'm wearing what i wore to work so i am wearing capris, heels, a nicer shirt, and a jacket. i get in front of st. william's catholic church before i realize that one of my favorite earrings has fallen out, and that i left my cell phone in the back of my mom's car. so i am phoneless, at 9:20 pm walking frederica road with no phone and one earring. thankfully i realize when i get to the demere-frederica intersection that i have chocolate in my pocket so i can eat for the first time since that morning. needless to say, i make it home at 10:10 pm and am now carless.

here's the most hilarious movie i have ever seen in my entire life. it is a japanese game show that, in my opinion, should be aired in america. it makes me love the brilliance of asains even more. thank you for sharing your incredibly smart stupidity.

"living is easy when it's night".

i have a feeling that today is going to be a day of many words. they'll flow together into a great white mass that you can sift through at your leisure. some of it may be fragmented, some may have incorrect punctuation, but all will be thoughts that i am experiencing. they are going to be raw. they will be pure. they will most likely be judged by you.

now to begin.

human emotion is a complex thing. i truly don't believe it's a thing. i believe it's a being. one that thrives off our very existence, but our existence needs it to thrive. it never lays idle or stagnant. it's ever moving. it moves through us like a rush of energy, only to surge with different intensities which causes whichever emotion we have. the smallest flow of this energy makes us happy, but the strongest flow is the one of sheer, disheartening sadness. it is incomparable to anything else in the world. emotion drives us, inspires us, and brings us back into reality. emotions are a scary element however. we feel them when we sleep in the forms of dreams. some in black and white. some in color. some in both. and in these dreams emotions try to release only to be wrangled back into the complexity and beauty of the human mind. dreams are not the only thing that make me cautious with emotions. the main reason that they have the scary presence is a rather mind blowing one. emotions present themselves the second you meet someone. they are there and differ from situation to situation. yet for something that powerful, they allow themselves to be repressed. they let us pretend we're something and someone we're not. they take away part of our identity and character, but they are the defining factors of who we are. therefore, does anyone really know who they are? or is it who we are in that moment, and we only are going on what we feel?

music is probably the most complex thing next to emotion. it has this quality of life, this pulsating sensation that causes so much happiness, so much love, so much sorrow, and so much angst. every artist has something different to offer; a different type of work to create; a different type of emotion to evoke. it's amazing to think that so many of these artists are criticized and overlooked by their colleagues. so many different artists have had a great impact on my life in the past week alone. moby for example. his album is the first in my recently added section on itunes. i finally downloaded all of his play album. it is by far one of the most intriguing things i have ever listened to. the first two songs blend together in such a way that the word perfection doesn't serve it justice. "honey"'s vocals are of an older african-american woman singing about something she loves. it could be anything but i've taken it as simile for the man she loves. moby then pairs this with a variety of electronica melodies in the background which diversify and enhance the work farther. the song following it is called "find my baby" and links the two by having the vocals of an older african-american male. the vocals alone are extremely uplifting, but yet again moby's genius shows through. the background melodies are a lot more mellow but still give off that aestheticism. although the vocals appear throughout the album in other tracks, the most powerful of these is the fourth track titled "why does my heart feel so bad". following one of moby's most popular tracks "porcelain", the song carries the same gloriously depressing vibe, yet it is an extremely emotion driven song. you finally have the much anticipated union of the man and woman, but it a disheartening one unlike the happy one we yearned for. it truly parallels the feeling of unrequited love or the loneliness that many feel. the next album i want to touch on is loreena mckennitt's the mask and mirror. it is unlike anything i have ever heard before. her vocals are captivating enough alone, but the fact that the album is in english but you can still hear her irish accent is truly beautiful. the melodies are soothing and carry a traditional feeling. her music makes you want to meditate and find your inner peace, the calm and serenity of spirituality. not in a religious sense, but in a self-enlightment one. it reminds me of buddhism. but i will leave that until later. it is impossible to pick just one of the eight tracks to encourage you to listen to because they all bring something different. "the mystic's dream" is truly the most centering piece on the album. ironically, i first heard it at awakenings yoga before i knew of her as an artist or the song itself. at the time, i thought it was just one of those meditative albums you buy and they come with a yoga mat or something along those lines. "ce he mise le ulaingt?/the two trees" is the song from the album that posseses the most traditional sounds of traditional celtic music. "prospero's speech" is the song on the album with the most entrancing aesthetic quality. it is almost entirely acoustic with just different note tones in the background. all of the tracks are ones that should be admired, listened to, and absorbed however. the lyrics are all carry extreme buy beautiful imagery and are truly from mckennitt's soul. similar to mckennitt's album but entirely different is emmy rossum's debut album inside out. it is the first time i heard her powerfully entrancing voice since she starred as christine in the movie phantom of the opera in 2004. the aura given off by her voice is one so captivating that it's all you can do not to laugh and cry in the same instance. the first song on the album, "slow me down", is the song that i can parallel my life to in innumerable ways currently. the background for track contains no instruments but is all vocal and vocal manipulation. it a song that speaks to the stress and pressure of the real world and how everyone gets so caught up they need someone else to help free them. "stay" is extremely mellowing and possesses an air of anticipation of which the song is speaking. "anymore" is a song of release and personal strength that reaches down into hearts of those who yearn for the ability to be themselves and stand for what they believe at any cost. finally, "been too long" speaks to the quintessential romance that ended so unexpectedly that a pining for that person lingers. it speaks then to the truth of the matter in that the romance could never happen again due to the fact that so much has changed since the romance ended. it is a perspective i have to remind myself to adopt although it rips your heart from the rest of your body and brings a flood of every care, every fear, every laugh, every frustration, and every tear they made you feel. it is truly music like this that i thrive off and cause me to blossom into the person i will one day become.

buddhism is the most fascinating religion. it is truly more of a way of life than a religion in my eyes. i love the simplicity of the stupas where they try to find their spiritual centers by meditating while participating in circumambulation. i went to a stupa called "the peace pagoda" when i was much younger in western massachusetts, and i remember being consumed with it and the four different gold statues of buddha in the four niches. it has now become my goal to return there soon and take it in at this point and time in my life and see how my view changes, how much stronger the intensity has become. also, i love how in contrast of the stupa itself, the toranas are covered in reliefs depicting the life of buddha, other stupas, animals, and yakshis. i admire the culture for using something as intense as the yakshi for their symbol for fertility and the earth goddess. the fact she is a tree spirit and is literally hanging as the one on the east torana shows the respect and adoration of the yakshi by the people. the joining of the yakshis and yakshas as mithuna couples is also extremely powerful in the way that it represents the energy in the perfect union of male and female. although there are many other things that i find entrancing about the faith, i am in love with the mudras. the fact that each one is a different, unspoken word that is translated by a simple movement of the hand is remarkable. although i see the signs of christ blessing us, comforting us, and welcoming us in my faith, the portrayal of these same things in the buddhist religion seems so much more elegant. also, i find myself drawn towards the chakra. the wheel representing order, balance, unity, and peace in oneself. it is so simple, yet so complex. it a pure symbol, and one overlooked by many today. i love that buddha has them on his hands and feet in most sculptures. they're a constant reminder of self-reflection and whatever else may help us obtain nirvana. nirvana itself serves as such a motivation and leads to the spread of wisdom. it is through yoga with the help of music that i hope to obtain this nirvana and peace in myself. i don't want to be an individual driven on stress. i want to be at peace with myself and to truly love myself for all i have to offer. in doing this i hope that someone else who will be enthralled by me and what i have to give, and that i will find that person who loves me then more than i ever thought possible. for now i must remember though that there is never any going back, i can only push forward.

i know i said i would post another harry potter film, but i lied. there will be another one but not now. today has been such a challenge and writing has been such a relief that i need something containing pure joy and humor. one that makes you laugh because you are so happy. one of innocence.

new month, new ideas.

let me start off by saying that tye-dye thursday is an amazing idea, and well "no shave november", that whole idea really isn't. i don't know what is compelling half of the school to participate. i'm just waiting to see how long they last considering the fact some people have already cheated. cycling on thursdays is amazing because cori teaches it, and she's the only instructor under thirty. the music is so much easier to cycle to. like we warmed up with "porcelain" by moby, then went to "lose control" by missy elliott, then "mr. brightside" by the killers, and then a song that i didn't know, and then "hallelujah" by jeff buckley was what we cooled down to. granted all of the songs were nine minutes long each so i didn't really know the verson, it was a good change to the '50s and '60s music they play most other days.

now to my main concern. i don't understand what has compelled the students of glynn academy to believe that taking naked pictures of yourself has become the new trend. when four people send nude pictures of themselves to majority of the student body, it is not cool. it's trashy. no one thinks you're hot stuff, however most people do think you're a whore. the fact that one girl has been heard saying, "hell yeah, that's me. everyone is just jealous because they wish they looked this way" is just ridiculous. when the most respected literature teacher in perhaps the entire county talks about it in class and says how disappointing and disgusting it is, you know it has become an epidemic rather than a trivial problem. the final straw for me was when i heard that one of the girls was called to the office and asked if the picture was her, and she said, "oh they're talking about brielle*" talking about an entirely different picture that was sent out because she didn't want them calling her parents. the situation in general is repulsive. the fact that two more glynn academy students have died within the past month has not been forgotten but has been pushed back in the minds of many individuals because "naked pictures are so much more dramatic". sorry but it's all ridiculous. to the girls and boy that the pictures are of, people don't respect you anymore, and i'm sorry that you can't see that. maybe you should watch the documentary called the lost children of rockdale county and see how ridiculous you truly look being proud of what you've done.
*names have not been changed due to the fact they are proud of their action

lastly, i am ending this post with possibly the funniest thing i have ever seen dealing with harry potter. there is a series about the characters as puppets which i will try to put on here after every post until all of them are up. i want to say that there are around six of them. all are totally inventive and different, and i applaud the creators of this imaginative video.

the addiction of customization.

everyone who knows me knows that shoes are a big part of my life. although i own close to thirty actual pairs, which are not including other tennis shoes and sandals, i buy more that are so unique, so eclectic that i can't resist them and cannot fathom letting them sit there any longer. thanks yet again to modern technology i can now customize sneakers. thank god i am going to college up north and will need a good pair of closed toe shoes. here is the newest addition which i will have to restrain myself from wearing until college.




oh the sheer beauty of them.

color block of hell.

if you ever wondered what you might be able to use that is incredibly intriguing yet makes you want to rip out your own hair, i'll tell you the perfect thing. i'll even make it easier for you, i'll give you an image.

it's a rubik's cube my friends.

these small, colorful blocks bring out to extremely different but exhilarating emotions simultaneously. the first one is a level of intensity in the emotions of determination and joy. you have just mixed up the colors of the block which has taken forever so you don't have two colors repeating in a row, and you are finally ready to undergo the looming task ahead. you must now complete the cube. of course you start off and you get two or three blocks of the same color to line up around the correct central cube only to find that stray block of color on the other side that was supposed to fit right on the corner. in the process of trying to reposition that singular block into the pattern you have already spent five minutes creating, you have shifted all of the blocks everywhere and have to start over again. this process repeats itself until the cube itself is solved. then the emotions of determination and joy are simultaneously juxtaposed with another extreme emotion. one that is very different. this emotion is spite. you begin to hate the cube. you want to peel of the stickers and put them in the correct location to fool everyone into thinking that you have actually completed the endeavor, and, therefore, you are brilliant. of course these different emotions are occuring simultaneously now so the only reaction is one similar to the following one.

that was me approximatley forty-five minutes into my first and sadly only attempt in solving the cube this far. i kept coming so close to attaining my goal, only so watch it disperss in front of my eyes literally seconds later. solving it actually brings such a rush that i bought my own this afternoon. i believe that given more time sunday night, i would have solved it. however i don't believe the people that say it can all be solved by doing the proper algorithms. it is a matter of time and luck. so i ask, how much time do you have, and how lucky do you think you are? the answer to these questions are up to you.

seperation anxiety?

before four o'clock this afternoon i couldn't wait to get out of here and leave for college. the thrill of only having to live with someone for one more year at school and then the freedom of getting my own apartment consumed me. i still have that thrill and the drive to attain that thrill but something has changed.

today nicole asked me to drive her and katie to bryce's georgia/florida party. of course i was going to take her because i couldn't wait to get out of the house, but nicole and i have been getting along really well for once the past couple of days so i didn't think about not taking her. normally nicole and i fight all of the time over the most trivial things, but this past week or so has been different. we are getting along, helping each other out, sharing things, really doing whatever the other may need. so when i was going to pick up katie, she was riding shotgun and was just talking to me. it was like we have finally matured enough to understand each other and our differences but to seek similarities in our personalities. the entire way we laughed and talked like we were best friends and have been forever. the same thing happened when i left for china this past may. nicole and i got to be really close before i left, i was gone for two weeks, and i missed her for the first time ever although i travel all the time. she's the youngest one out of the four of us, and i feel this intense level of protection towards her. hopefully our relationship will stay as good as it has been and not reverse to it's one of constant bickering like before.

don't get me wrong. i'm am still extremely ready to move out and grow up, but i don't want to lose that best friend bond we have begun to form. before i leave i'll get to teach her how to drive, help her through superfluous issues boys cause, and aid her in finishing her sophomore year of high school. it troubles me though that this time a year from now i won't be here for her, and knowing nicole and i, we'll both be too busy to call. i'll have claudia and the kids and everyone up there, but it won't be the same. i won't have someone so close in age to me that we're going through similar situations at the same time. i know that we'll keep in touch but the fact that it won't be daily scares me. i know that she'll come visit me and vice versa but i'm going to miss seeing her blossom her into the young woman she'll become. luckily i'll have nadia to allow me to see the progression i'll be missing. i have realized that the reason i'd miss nicole would be because i have a great respect for her and the person that she has shown herself to be. she is in fact a true, crazy lewis, and one of my best friends who i'll cherish forever.

and i cannot close this window without troubling my conscience until i share this incredible video. it is the video for "a secret that's worth keeping" by the fire restart. although the band has split up and moved into new occupations and bands, they are incredible and will always have a place in my heart for love of music. they are lyrical geniuses and the visual presence of their low budget video is incredible. it truly is a video that flows better than most others, pulls every emotion you have, and leaves you with the feeling of emotional connection and release. the change in the scenery from the plain, sophisticated background of the acoustic to the cluttered yet intimate feel of the warehouse where the band plays is one that aids the video in it's inventive new way to connect with the viewer. needless to say, it is a video worth viewing.

oh today.

today has been amazing for the following reasons:

my new ipod:

my new macbook:

the best commercial i have ever seen:

oh technology. you're so persuasively aesthetic and addicting.

monkey buisness.

this morning in ap economics mitchell informed the group of us sitting at the back table of computers in the media center about the death of the governor of new dehli due to, of all things, monkeys.

here is the article from http://www.livenews.com.au/:


"The Deputy Mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

SS Bajwa fell from his first-floor terrace home on Saturday morning, and suffered serious head injuries when he was trying to fight off the monkeys.

Dehli is well known for its problem with plagues of monkeys, who invade temples and government complexes, steal food and frighten passers-by.

The city has tried to curb the plague of primates, by employing monkey catchers to round them up so they can be moved to forests.

Culling the monkeys is seen as unacceptable to devout Hindus, who revere the monkeys as a manifestation of the monkey god Hanuman.

Mr Bajwa, a member of the opposition Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), leaves behind his wife and son, according to the Press Trust of India news agency."


my first reaction was if people are getting killed, why not kill some of the monkeys lessening the population or do anything to improve the situation? of course the article answers this question for me in that the people believe it is hanuman.

let us not of course forget the great picture accompanying the article:


oh humanity.


what is god, a god, any god(s), whatever higher being you may believe in be telling us? maybe it's that we need to recognize that we are not alone and that we are affecting the lives of other things with our actions? but that's just a guess.

"picadilly circus" by our last mistake.

for some reason this song hits a new level, brings me a new type of high lyrically and instrumentally than most any other song i have ever heard. i first listened to the vocals of emily brynne when she sang the acoustic melody to the fire restart's music. not only does her voice bring a new level of tranquility, but the words seem to reflect what seems to be going through my mind currently. and the guitar in the background is reminiscent of another song which took my heart by storm not too long ago. the lyrics are sheer genius and give the listener this rejuvenating feeling in which describing it would only manage to strip it of what it is. for some reason it makes me feel free, unbridled, and calmer than before. it brings a flood of emotions from sorrow to sheer joy, and, truthfully, the song scares me. the scare it brings is not a bad one. unlike their song "pictures in the clouds" which is amazing in it's own context, "picadilly circus" hits deeper emotional notes in my soul. and the image it brings to mind is not a singular one. they are amazing ones something like these.

one of organized chaos of progressive life:




one of the innocence of youth:





one of the human need for companionship:



one of the mind's unending pursuit of truth through confusion and its quest for clarity:






one of the renewal of life when that ultimate happiness is regained:

life in a nutshell?

wow. it's amazing to think that so much has changed since that last entry in may. i've learned so much as a sister, a daughter, a student, and an individual. i've learned what is trivial and what to live with or without. most importantly, i've learned more about myself and in doing so have matured.

i cannot fathom being that young, naive girl again. it wasn't even the naivety of myself that stuns me. it's who i thought i was. who i thought i wanted to be. i've realized now who i am. who i've wanted to become. before i was thinking only of what others expected of me, and, therefore, what i expected of myself. i've realized that although i'll be heartbroken if i don't get into amherst, it's not going to be the end of the world. i can and will survive. hopefully the pressure of succeeding will diminish, although i recognize deep down it will not. i've seen my fears and now have come to terms with what i want. what is the kara who will be happy? who is the kara i hope to become? one who is not alone. i want to blossom into an incredibly remarkable, intellectual human being who people look at and think wow, this person really has a purpose. i don't want to be alone. that thought scares me the most. all i want is to grow old with someone. have a family. i don't want money, it doesn't bring happiness. i don't care the lies people feed me. i know i only need someone who loves me for who i am and i will be happy. the shear thought of aging scares me. i want to be in my youth forever. not youth as in my age now, but youth as in thirty. in the prime of my life. i want to be clear thinking, i want to be able to do as i please. the thought of losing all of that scares me.

however, life now is becoming increasingly thrilling. this summer taught me a lot. i learned who real friends were, i learned the hardships of betrayal, i learned how it feels to be truly reckless and carefree, and, most importantly, i learned more about me than i ever dreamed existed. did you know that movies such as wicker park make me feel these sparks of undying energy that run through my very being and shake everything i know as true? did you know that music is what drives my being? most likely that one you did know. but to add on to that, did you know that my every mood is affected by my music? god i wish i was more musical. or not even that. that i could be unafraid to show people the talent god has given me. like last night for instance, i wanted to sing the words at the top of my lungs. i was so afraid to though that they came out in a form barely more audible than a whisper. did you know that i despise hanging out with most people that are still in high school? i love my friends, but there is a limit to my intellectual development they cannot push past. well, majority of them. there are exceptions such as valarie and catherine which make me a deeper, enlightened person. but besides those friendships, those people which have become my sisters, every other friendship probably will not stick with me throughout college and after. however, that is very untrue with my boys. the loves of my life. they are my brothers and i would be lost without them. i know that it alarms my mother that they are twenty, but she understands the bond with them isn't a "horny group of adolescents" one. she knows they are truthfully people that without them i would most likely fall for anything. jay, travis, derek, robert, and watson have become a family which is one i am blessed to have found. i know that they will protect me hands down in whatever may happen and be there for me throughout anything. they have and deserve my utmost respect and i don't know how i will survive without them next year. my boys are my heroes.

and now i ask you, is this truly everything? is this the life of kara michele lewis, the seventeen year old who is striving to find even more of herself than she knows exists? i think that it's not. i am bracing myself for whatever i will reveal next. hopefully i will see the beauty. so how can one use the phrase "in a nutshell"? everything is so much more complex than we ever fathomed.

in the country

okay people.

apparently china won't let you get on blogspot unless you are IN a buisness center and not a freaking labtop. and internet is one US dollar per minute??? basically it's a huge scam.

so i'm stuck here in nyc at the moment but am flying back tonight but i have lots of stories to tell ALL of you. i miss you guys like crazy and i'm sorry i gave ya'll this address to check up and see how i am to have it back fire.

but i'm having to pay for internet in new york too so i'm getting off because my flight will departing soon hopefully. well we'll leave for the airport soon. i'm in the lucky second group of kids who come back today and i don't have to wait until tomorrow. but i'll definitely write ALL about everything for ya'll when i get home and it's free. basically it was an emotional rollercoaster. but a thrilling one at that.

i just thought you should know

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry i speak before i think. i'm sorry i hold it all in and let it out all at once. i'm sorry i talk more than i should. i'm sorry you think you can't trust me. i'm sorry you are upset because of me. i'm sorry i care. i'm sorry i let you get the best of me before i should have. i'm sorry didn't say it back. i'm sorry i talked behind your back. i'm sorry i lied. to your face.

i'm sorry i'm real. i'm sorry i don't wear tons of make up. i will when i want to and i don't like to so that is RARE. i'm sorry that i'm not going to yell at someone unless they really REALLY piss me off. it's not in my nature. i'm sorry i'm not stick thin like her. i'm sorry i have curves. it won't all disappear so i can be unhealthy looking like her. i'm sorry i stay in shape. i'm sorry that i ask retarded questions.

^^^
this post was never finished, so here it is in draft form. it was what i felt on that date, at that time, in that moment. i will never know what i meant to say, what emotions i felt. therefore, i am posting this as a glimse into the past. into the kara from before. into the kara to some extent of which i still am. 11/3/2007

happy little pilgrim

kudos to valarie.



where do people come up with this?

and you are in an advanced placement class?

okay people. to start off let me explain.

number one. this girl is SO booksmart i can barely comprehend it. but i think that's all she has going for her in life. hopefully she will do something that meets her needs such as becoming a librarian. therefore she can be smart and read without having to show other people how RETARDED she really is. god forbid her becoming a teacher. mrs. story's twin dare i say? oh lord i hope not.

number two. she is VERY moody. people can't help the fact that they can't pronounce your name due to the fact your parents combined their first names to make yours. at least she doesn't follow the trend the rest of her "people" have started and pick random consonants out of a hat and sticking vowels in where they "look good". she freaked out becuase we were talking during the graduation tests. if you couldn't take those in like twenty minutes, i'm sorry, but there is something seriously wrong with you.

now on to the purpose of this post.

we were watching a movie on harry truman today in ap us history and it talked about him being so nearsighted that he memorized the army's eye exam chart to get into the military. the movie ends and, i kid you not, she asks, "so wait. you can't be blind and in the military?"i was like aljrdfaljfaufaorea. she did NOT just ask that.

someone please explain to me how you can ask that yet be in a college course.

is this what schools are coming to these days?